TCH
Well-Known Member
This one makes me chuckle every time I read it.
All your shitty jokes
- Thread starter Karah
- Start date
-
- Tags
- comedic relief funnies jokes
Bud man 43
Well-Known Member
I started calling the bathroom the Jim instead of the Jon—-
It sounds better to say I go to the Jim first thing every morning-
It sounds better to say I go to the Jim first thing every morning-
Laughing Grass
Well-Known Member
Instead of calling it anal bleaching we should say changing ring tone.
shnkrmn
Well-Known Member
A guy walked into a bar and ordered a shot of whiskey for himself and one for his best friend.
The bartender, seeing only the one guy, asked, "Do you want me to wait until he gets here?"
“Oh, he's right here,” the guy answered, then reached into his pocket, pulled out a 6” guy and set him on the bar.
The bartender was beyond amazed and asked, “Can he drink a full shot?"
The guy said he could so the bartender poured them.
The little guy drank the shot down with no problem.
The bartender said, "That's incredible! What else can he do?"
The man pulled out a coin and rolled it down the bar. The little guy ran, picked up the coin and handed it back to his friend.
The bartender said, "This is the craziest thing I've ever seen. Can he talk?"
The guy said, "Sure he can talk! Hey, Charlie, tell the bartender about that time you called that witch doctor an asshole.”
The bartender, seeing only the one guy, asked, "Do you want me to wait until he gets here?"
“Oh, he's right here,” the guy answered, then reached into his pocket, pulled out a 6” guy and set him on the bar.
The bartender was beyond amazed and asked, “Can he drink a full shot?"
The guy said he could so the bartender poured them.
The little guy drank the shot down with no problem.
The bartender said, "That's incredible! What else can he do?"
The man pulled out a coin and rolled it down the bar. The little guy ran, picked up the coin and handed it back to his friend.
The bartender said, "This is the craziest thing I've ever seen. Can he talk?"
The guy said, "Sure he can talk! Hey, Charlie, tell the bartender about that time you called that witch doctor an asshole.”
shnkrmn
Well-Known Member
A woman took a lover home during the day while her husband was at work.
Her 9-year old son came home unexpectedly, saw them and hid in the bedroom closet to watch.
The woman’s husband came home a short while later. She put her lover in the closet, not realizing her son was already in there.
The little boy said, “Dark in here.”
The man said, “Yes, it is.”
Boy: “I have a baseball.”
Man: “That’s nice”
Boy: “Want to buy it?”
Man: “No thanks.”
Boy: “My Dad’s outside.”
Man: “OK, how much?”
Boy: “$250”
In the next few weeks, it happened again that the boy and the lover were in the closet together.
Boy: “Dark in here.”
Man: “Yes, it is.”
Boy: “I have a baseball glove.”
The man, remembering the last time, asked the boy, “How much?”
Boy: “$750”
Man: “Sold.”
A few days later the Dad said to the boy, “Grab your glove, let’s go outside and have a game of catch.”
The boy said, “I can’t, I sold my baseball and my glove.”
The Dad asked, “How much did you sell them for?”
Boy: “$1,000”
The Dad said, “It’s terrible to over charge your friends like that…that’s way more than those two things cost. I’m taking you to confession.”
They went to church. The Dad made the little boy sit in the confessional and closed the door.
The boy said, “Dark in here.”
The priest said, “Don’t start that again!”
Her 9-year old son came home unexpectedly, saw them and hid in the bedroom closet to watch.
The woman’s husband came home a short while later. She put her lover in the closet, not realizing her son was already in there.
The little boy said, “Dark in here.”
The man said, “Yes, it is.”
Boy: “I have a baseball.”
Man: “That’s nice”
Boy: “Want to buy it?”
Man: “No thanks.”
Boy: “My Dad’s outside.”
Man: “OK, how much?”
Boy: “$250”
In the next few weeks, it happened again that the boy and the lover were in the closet together.
Boy: “Dark in here.”
Man: “Yes, it is.”
Boy: “I have a baseball glove.”
The man, remembering the last time, asked the boy, “How much?”
Boy: “$750”
Man: “Sold.”
A few days later the Dad said to the boy, “Grab your glove, let’s go outside and have a game of catch.”
The boy said, “I can’t, I sold my baseball and my glove.”
The Dad asked, “How much did you sell them for?”
Boy: “$1,000”
The Dad said, “It’s terrible to over charge your friends like that…that’s way more than those two things cost. I’m taking you to confession.”
They went to church. The Dad made the little boy sit in the confessional and closed the door.
The boy said, “Dark in here.”
The priest said, “Don’t start that again!”
Sir Napsalot
Well-Known Member
Zeke had chapped lips so his friend Jethro said "stick your finger up a dog's ass and then smear it on your lips".
Zeke said "will that heal my chapped lips?" and Jethro replied "no, but it'll damn sure keep you from lickin' 'em".
Zeke said "will that heal my chapped lips?" and Jethro replied "no, but it'll damn sure keep you from lickin' 'em".
Laughing Grass
Well-Known Member
Orion's Belt is a big waist of space
Terrible joke, only three stars.
Terrible joke, only three stars.
Laughing Grass
Well-Known Member
What do you call it when someone kidnaps a pig?
Yoink!
Yoink!
Laughing Grass
Well-Known Member
Laughing Grass
Well-Known Member
How do you make holy water?
Boil the hell out of it!
Boil the hell out of it!
Sunbiz
Member
A priest wanted to raise money for his church and on being told there was a fortune in horse racing, decided to purchase one and enter it in the races.
However, at the local auction, the going price for a horse was so high that he ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured that since he had it, he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races.
To his surprise, the donkey came in third.
The next day the local paper carried this headline:
PRIEST'S ASS SHOWS.
The priest was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and this time it won.
The local paper read:
PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the priest not to enter the donkey in another race. The next day, the local paper headline read:
BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS.
This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the priest to get rid of the donkey. The priest decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.
The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the
next day:
NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.
The Bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer
for ten dollars.
The next day, the paper read:
NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.
This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it
could run wild.
The next day the headlines read:
NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.
The Bishop was buried the next day.
However, at the local auction, the going price for a horse was so high that he ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured that since he had it, he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races.
To his surprise, the donkey came in third.
The next day the local paper carried this headline:
PRIEST'S ASS SHOWS.
The priest was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and this time it won.
The local paper read:
PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the priest not to enter the donkey in another race. The next day, the local paper headline read:
BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS.
This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the priest to get rid of the donkey. The priest decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.
The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the
next day:
NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.
The Bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer
for ten dollars.
The next day, the paper read:
NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.
This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it
could run wild.
The next day the headlines read:
NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.
The Bishop was buried the next day.